I sat on the living room floor, crying as milk barely dripped from my breasts into the bottles. Through the broken sobs and Kori’s cries of hunger, I told Luke to get a bag of safe milk out of my tiny freezer stash. I was going back to work the next morning and now I didn’t even have enough milk to get Kori through her first day of daycare.
There was a useless box of formula samples on the top of my refrigerator. I couldn’t even use that without Kori having a horrible reaction, but still it taunted me. Why now? Mentally, I felt great. Why now was my body failing me? Why was the only thing I could get right for my babies going so wrong?
Through the struggles of my postpartum depression and anxiety with Charley and Frankie – this was the ONE thing I could take pride in. My mind didn’t know how to provide for me and my babies, but my body did. I knew how to breastfeed! I had over 30 months of experience under my belt. It was supposed to be easy and mindless with my third baby.
That night I packed up my Sarah Wells Abby bag and wondered if it was even worth it. That bag had travelled all over Illinois with me at my last job, carried thousands of ounces, many that I donated. This journey it would carry 12-14 ounces home every day – just enough for Kori to eat the very next day. It sat next to me as I power pumped during my hour long commute. I carried it with me wherever I went in case I could sneak in a quick pumping session.
My new Marie bag has travelled with me multiple times in the past 6 weeks, but this journey is better. The freezer stash is bigger, the milk flows easier, my baby is healthier. Next week I return back to work – but I have a reminder of an old friend that saw me through pumping in cars, trucks, tractors, sprayers, bathroom floors, storage closets, a massive oversupply, a just barely enough supply aided by countless power pumping sessions, and the powerful knowledge that this time around is going to be different.
I even have some new friends to make my journey easier like my Pumparoo bag and PumpEase hands free pumping bra (to make those commute pumps easier.)